ऐसे  कई  प्रश्न  थे  मेरे  मन  में  जिनके  जवाब  तुम्हारे  पास  थे  तो , पर ना ही  मैं  उन्हें  सुन्ना  चाहता  था  और  ना  ही  तुम  बोलना .

सवाल  थे  और  जवाब  भी ... और  फिर  थी  ज़िन्दगी , कुछ  चाहनाए और  कुछ  सपने ; जो  उन  सवालों  और  जवाबों  के  वजूद  को  पूर्णतः  नकार  के  अपने  ही  अंदाज़  में  चलते  चले  जाते  हैं .

दिख  रही  थी  मुझे  वो  अपरिहार्य  घडी , वह  क्षण  जब  कुछ  अनर्थ  होने  ही  वाला  था . उनको  भी  दिख  रही  थी  तेज़  रफ़्तार  से  अपनी  तरफ  बढ़ती  वह  गाडी . पर  कई  बार  रुकना  मुमकिन  नहीं  हो  पाता कबीर , वो  मुस्कराहट  और  आसुओं  के  बीच  से  बोले .

कई  बार  हम  समझदार  नहीं  होते ,  ज़िम्मेदार  नहीं  होते  और  जानते  हुए  भी  बढ़ते  हैं  दुर्घटना  की  तरफ .

How tragic things are at times. How I wish there were better way for things to be for me to be...

Random

It happened again; a few days ago when with a sudden force, I pulled myself together somehow.

I realized I’ve started to drift away from physical realities more and more often. Maybe because of certain disappointments, disillusionment in general or horrors or whatever reasons, but now I shun the reality around me quite easily, without even having to make any conscious effort.

So, a few days back while I was traveling somewhere in a bus I realized, sitting after a few hours, that I didn’t even register the face of the person sitting right next to me, let alone the seat number or any other detail.

I thereby consciously made myself look around a bit. It was a pleasant night on a rather glamorous Yamuna Expressway with me sitting in a typical interstate rickety bus making at least ten different kind of sounds, innumerable loose parts chorusing.

I tried to smell the surrounding, see it, even register the touch of the seat and the grab bar with pealing paint. Tried to overhear some conversations around.

There was SO MUCH happening right around me towards which I was completely oblivious. 

Instead, I was just sitting swiping the screen of my cell phone, repeatedly locking and unlocking, lost somewhere, not even in thoughts just a certain void.

I don’t know why this has increased lately, frankly it has started to scare me a bit.

What if one of these days I just can’t come out of wherever it is I disappear! The prospectus both amuses and scares me.

-sometime around June, 2014

8/1/2014

I grew up in a family of a rather wide social circle, where words were thrown around with every breath taken. Words by various people, from varied backgrounds; however, the word so popular now a days, “Dharm” or Religion were hardly ever used in any context. I have no memory whatsoever of use of words pertaining to that particular clause. 

Hence the recent growing use of such words, redundant aggressive debates, logics and justifications seem a bit alarming to me. 

Whether or not I pray, believe, go to temple or any other religious abode was no one’s concern till a few years back. Then why is there this sudden need to even label the innocent colors with religion? How did this happen?  

Let’s talk of something else and keep what’s personal to us. 

I find it a bit obscene to go around public flaunting privates (be it religion or body organs, No matter how proud you might be for having it, keep it to yourself).

Pace

When you live fast forwarding through various scenes of life, at times you just fail to comprehend when and where did a particular act go!

Did that scene even happen? was I ACTUALLY there?? The memory seems like some hazy dream... Moving ahead in life you come across various places, people, experiences; creating a certain memory, which after a while just lays down in the litter box among other memories. And if by chance some day, a rare moment comes where you happen to stumble upon a certain memory lying below a pile of other dusty things, it just feels a bit distant, even unreal.

Reminds me of these lines though by Charlotte Bronte…

“…And days may pass in gay confusion,
And nights in rosy riot fly,
While, lost in Fame's or Wealth's illusion,
The memory of the Past may die.

But there are hours of lonely musing,
Such as in evening silence come,
When, soft as birds their pinions closing,
The heart's best feelings gather home.
Then in our souls there seems to languish
A tender grief that is not woe;
And thoughts that once wrung groans of anguish
Now cause but some mild tears to flow.”

12/18/2014

Do I even like to think?

A button away is a place where I can get away from all these ideal notions where I am suppose to think or be good in some or the other way or do something creative and bah bah bah…

Just a click and shoosh flies away all the idealism, morality and standards…

Random Thoughts 1

Just because a particular natural phenomenon occurs over a period of "24 human hours" why does everyone has to plan his life around it. I mean its definitely not natural or instinctual. When a child is born he doesn't starts sleeping or getting up or eating according to that. In fact he is trained, forcibly, to follow that set of rules to make our life easier. My day for example has lately been occurring in more of a 36 hours cycle than 24 and its making me feel guilty and bad which i don't think i should be feeling.

Blabbering

He saw it with a sad smile; and kept back his previously written diary. He remembered how he use to cry once, even knew how to laugh and HOW MUCH he wanted those overwhelming phases and nightmares to get over and his life to be a bit more stable.

Today, after months and years gone by; standing in his balcony, he tries to feel even a small fraction of emotions he felt back then, wished that his heart or head would ache but nothing, absolutely nothing stirs inside of him.

Something gradually transformed over time and more than often he did realize the change happening but just watched it in a confused and helpless state.
Laughing out of curtsey, faking anger, doing all the necessary formalities to prove one's existence as a living entity, he somehow manages to pass his everyday now.
No, there was no tragedy or sorrow, just a void that gradually took over his heart and now, has finally  started to scream its presence. Pointlessness of everything and every moment in life was beginning to pronounce itself out loud.

"Isn't it something I've always wanted", he thought, "to observe life from a safe distance, be a spectator rather than a player in this gigantic set, then what is it that i need now."

He picks up his empty glass from the railing and goes back to fight his daily battle till the sleep surrenders.